Backwoods Bloodbath (2007)

Backwoods Bloodbath (2007)
Distributor: MVM
Directed by: Donn Kennedy
Starring: Scott Ash, Ryan Buth, Tyler Constable, Angela Lowe
Review by: Ben Bussey
I am at my wit’s end. Every time I sit down to write a review, my first course of action is to provide a succinct and catchy synopsis, to captivate the attention of you, the reader, and give you broadly a sense of what the film in question is like. But here I am trying to do that for Backwoods Bloodbath, and I just can’t do it. Within hours of seeing the film, I remember virtually nothing. There was not one single, solitary feature of this film that stood out. All that remains is a faint tinnitus-like hum in the back of my brain that tells me I might just have well spent those 90 minutes inhaling paint fumes.
Okay, okay, I’ll give it a try… it’s the bog standard college kids in a cabin slasher, at its absolute most bog standard. It’s an attempt to convey city vs. country politics, in spite of the fact that the actors playing city folk and the actors playing country folk look and sound basically identical. It’s an attempt at a sexy college kid romp in spite of there being no sexual chemistry between any of the performers whatsoever. Basically, it’s like Cabin Fever, but assembled on a miniscule fraction of that film’s budget, and an even tinier fraction of talent and originality. If this movie won best horror feature at the New York Independent Film Festival, then I pray to God I never see the losing entries.
It’s time that someone came out and said this… not all of us were meant to be filmmakers. You know who I blame? I blame Sam Raimi, Robert Rodriguez, Darren Aronofsky. I blame all those guys who went out there with microbudgets and minimal experience and crafted excellent films. They went and gave the impression that anybody could do it. And based on pretty much all the no-budget DV shot horror I’ve seen this past year (Marc Price’s Colin being a notable exception), that is categorically not the case. Good God almighty, I am sick and tired of seeing movies like this. It’s almost at the point were I want to get Raimi, Rodriguez, Aronofsky and all the rest and line them up against the wall for crimes against humanity. Or, alternatively, I want to do the same to the people who are giving worldwide DVD distribution to worthless dreck like this.
On the oft chance anything I’ve just said is in any way ambiguous, I’ll make it plain. Do not watch Backwoods Bloodbath. End of story. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a coma to slip back into.